On of my main responsibilities at my work is writing and editing, under the pleasingly friendly pseudonym of ‘Jane Reid’, a three-weekly email newsletter which goes out to everyone that has ever used the company’s products – currently the mailing list fluctuates around 300,000 email addresses, so I get to spread a little bit of frustration, annoyance and spam to just around a half a per cent of the country’s population every three weeks – not bad going, I feel.

Because I know what an irritant email newsletters can be, I’ve been doing my best to knead a little frivolity and humour into my articles, along with a hefty dose of tongue-in-cheek hard selling, and I am feeling quite proud of my efforts to ‘cheese it up’ on two of this week’s articles – and so I’m re-printing them here for the benefit of you lovely people.

Read on to find out what a James Bond Baddy wants in a loft conversion, and how poor, defenceless kitchens are being left abandoned this Christmas – and it is our responsibility to make sure they are looked after.

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A Kitchen is For Life – Not Just For Christmas

Every time a celebrity chef clicks their fingers, a poor defenceless kitchen is cruelly left deserted and alone by its owner. Some go for months without cooking a proper meal. As a society, we should make it our responsibility to end this cruelty, and Christmas is the perfect time to raise awareness.

Get Cooking For Christmas

It may seem like talking about Christmas starts earlier every year, but November really is the best time to consider whether you want to have to roast your Christmas turkey in a kitchen that’s just not up to the task.

For many people, Christmas is all about the food – roasted (free-range, corn fed) turkey, mince pies, mulled wine, rum-soaked Christmas pudding en flambe. If cooking all of that is a prospect that fills you with dread, perhaps the problem is that your kitchen isn’t up to scratch. There’s nothing more off-putting than cooking in a cramped, badly organised and underachieving kitchen.

With [PRODUCT] you can have an instant quote for a brand new fitted kitchen, for free.

Get cooking for life

This year’s trend has been about slowing down. Nobody wants fast food any more, we want properly cooked meals: a trend that’s been hugely encouraged by high profile celebrity chefs helping people back in to their kitchens. A pre-packaged microwaveable Christmas Dinner for Four just won’t cut the mustard this year. Not even an M&S pre-packaged microwaveable Christmas Dinner for Four.

More than ever, a kitchen is for living, not just for Christmas. Once you’ve felt the joy of cooking in a well-made kitchen, you’ll want to make a roast dinner every Sunday, a meal every evening, and cakes and pastries all through the week. Get a quote on a new fitted kitchen today and make this year a Christmas to remember – your sprouts will never have tasted so good!

Don’t let anything get in your way

When designing your perfect kitchen, try to think about what will compliment the shape of the room, where extra space can be found with corner cupboards and retractable storage. You probably want to be able to have more than one person in the kitchen at any one moment, so it’s worth figuring out how to get as much floor space as you can, too. Top it all off with some top class utilities, and you’ll be set up for years to come.

We have also helped many disabled people find quotes for kitchens designed specifically with accessibility in mind: thoughtfully designed features such as rise-and-fall surfaces and utilities can make a world of difference to wheelchair-bound homeowners. So, if you have a disability, don’t let it come between you and the pleasures of cooking your own food.

So, if your kitchen fills you with fear, when it should be filling you with food; if it gives you fresh problems when you want fresh produce; vote for change today and get a free instant quote on a brand new kitchen.

Lofty Ambitions: The Perfect Bond Baddy Laboratory

Most people don’t take advantage of their loft space. Either it’s left bare, for the spiders and the moths to look after, or it’s used as storage for all the things that are just waiting to be taken to the Antiques Roadshow – or to the tip.

Your loft could be so much more, though. With a little effort, and the help of [PRODUCT], it could in fact become your very own secret Bond Baddy Laboratory. To make this happen, first of all we should examine what all those hideouts have in common.

Secrecy. A good lab is private, so that the evil master contained within can hatch plans for world domination without pesky and irritating disturbances – particularly from that 007 chap. While laser tripwires and alarm systems are probably overkill for the average household, a concealed entrance (or at least a staircase disguised as an airing cupboard) and a bit of soundproofing (a.k.a. carpet) will go a long way towards keeping out vigilantes and Secret Service Operatives.

Evil Furniture What good is having a secret laboratory if you can’t casually spin your chair around and say ‘Good Evening, Mr. Bond’ when your arch-nemesis comes storming in? A large desk and a comfortable swivelling chair are musts, and how about dedicating one wall to a projection screen that can double up as a home cinema – providing an excellent cover story when the authorities come knocking.

Escape Route. Having given away all your schemes to a hero in captivity, when the master plan is foiled, a self-respecting villain needs to be able to make a quick and effective escape without being caught by the authorities. Ideally this would take the form of a lift down to an underground garage with a getaway Aston Martin standing at the ready – but since the lift might be busy, and building regulations require an adequate fire escape route from a converted loft anyway, you might as well take the stairs.

Gadgets. Lasers! Lights! Buttons! TV Screens! All good secret lairs have them, and failing that, a train set or Scalectrix track wouldn’t go down badly…

Shark Tank. Actually, best not.

As you can see, planning your secret hideaway need not be torturous. You don’t have to have a Goldfinger, and there’s no reason to resort to an island resort. A loft (and a fertile imagination) is all that’s required for utter world domination.

Whether your loft conversion comes From Mother With Love or On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, it can still get you a Quantum of Solitude and A View To The Garden. Get an instant online quote, For Your Eyes Only, from [PRODUCT] – it takes less than 007 minutes, and could save you a Money Penny. After all, You Only Live Twice.