The Telegraph has a story today on the Batman of Sheffield, but since every single paragraph appears to be laced with an amusing irony, it’s worth reprinting in full, with comments…

Dubbed the “Christmas crusader”, the real-life superhero has been spotted lending a hand at a soup kitchen, charity job [sic] and children’s hospital in Sheffield.

Wow, he really knows how to hide himself, doesn’t he. Shrouded in secrecy, he’s a mystery wrapped inside an enigma. Stood in a soup kitchen. With the lights on. Presumably with many people present and looking at him. Some ‘spot’.

Besides, that’s a fascinating set of services to put in a building together, isn’t it. ‘Soup kitchen, charity shop and children’s hospital’, all in one, eh?

But despite his good works and charitable donations totalling £10,000, the Yorkshire Batman’s identity is as mysterious as his Gotham City counterpart.

You mean Bruce Wayne? Oh, sorry. ‘Mystery’. I see… A mystery that everyone knows the answer to.

He is known to be a local entrepreneur, but wears a mask at all times and speaks with a fake American accent. “I don’t want to reveal my identity because it’s more important to highlight the charities,” he told the Daily Express.

Yes, and highlighting the charities is exactly what you’re doing… In an article that’s all about the fact that you’re wearing a mask and using a stupid accent.

“I don’t care if some people think I’m bonkers. If I inspire others to give their time and money to good causes this Christmas, it’s been worth it. My message is that you don’t need to be a superhero, or super wealthy, to give to deserving causes. If you can give cash, or toys, that’s fantastic. The most precious gift of all is your time.”

You don’t need to be super wealthy, you just need to give £10,000 and wear some silly headgear. I see.

Batman helped stack shelves and man the tills at Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice charity shop in the city, where staff said that his presence sent takings through the roof.

That’ll be the grapple that he keeps on his utility belt, I’m sure.

At first we thought he was a joker, but he turned out to be a true superhero,” said one shop worker. “We’re thinking of getting a Bat light installed so we can send him a signal whenever business is slow.”

You see what they did there? They thought he was a joker? Holy Punning Journalists, Batman.

The Moral of the Story.

If you want to do charitable work, spend a lot of money, wear a mask and don’t let anybody know about it. Except the The Daily Express and The Daily Telegraph, of course.