Sharpe's Opinion

Charlotte Gore (yes, her again), as part of her endless obsession with lists, has ‘tagged’ me in a ‘meme’, expecting me to come up with a list of 10 Speakers who could replace Michael Martin. Begrudgingly, and two days late, I comply. On with the list making…

10. Miss Trunchbull

We’ll start with the headmistress everybody loves to hate. She may have treated Matilda and the other children in a disgusting manner, but she takes no prisoners and demands the respect and attention of all who cross her path. I doubt the public would disapprove of the sight of a few Honourable Members being hammer-thrown from the Chamber, and a few of them could do with spending a few hours in the Chokey.

The downside of having Miss Trunchbull as speaker is that she’s a venomous, lying, murdering psychopath. But then, it could be worse: at least she’s not Tony Blair.

- – -

9. Ariel, The Little Mermaid

I know what you’re thinking. Ariel gave up her voice for a shot at becoming human. How could she be a speaker if she’d give up her voice for a Prince?

Well, you’re right. Sorry. I evidently hadn’t really thought that one through. Moving on…

- – -

7. Deanna Troi

She may, admittedly, spend most of her time looking much like an actor trying desperately not to look like an actor (and rarely succeeding), but this half Betazoid is a veteran of thousands of conflicts and she has played an important part in resolving them all.

Deanna may not be such an exciting speaker, but thanks to her origins on the planet Betazed she can read people’s minds. ‘Nuff said.

- – -

8. Upsy Daisy

She doesn’t talk very much, it’s true, and her vocabulary does appear to be limited to either “Upsy Daisy” or “Daisy Doo”, but Upsy Daisy is a character loved and admired across party lines and political divides. She also has a microphone, and will often use it to make her voice heard all across the Night Garden. A much-needed attribute in any good Speaker.

At a time in which the House needs to come together, Upsy Daisy would bring unity. And strange flowers that glow like the stars.

- – -

6. Carol Vorderman

Who better to be Speaker of the House of Commons that Carol Vorderman, who has kept firm control on the Countdown set for years. Carol Vorderman is a remarkable talent who already enjoys cross-party popularity.

Plus, she could certainly give Gordon Brown a hand with consolidating all his national debt into one low monthly payment. It’s a win-win decision.

- – -

5. Hermione Granger

This bookworm might be a bit of a divisive figure, but Hermione has a clear understanding of the rules, and an understanding of when they can be broken, and when they should be strictly adhered to. More than that, Hermione is trusted by her friends and generous with her wisdom and her advice. She’s bright, studious, faithful and always looks out for her friends, helping them to see the right way forward.

- – -

4. Dame Judi Dench

Dame Judi is a fine, upstanding individual who has tirelessly served this nation’s interests on the international stage. Anyone who can be both Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth I (although admittedly not at the same time) is fine by me.

Dame Judi is also the only one who can tell off James Bond. Beat that, Frank Field.

- – -

3. Galadriel

The keeper of Nenya, the Ring of Water, is a Queen both beautiful and terrible. When the Great Rings were forged it was The Lady of Lórien who would not trust Annator, the soothsayer who was revealed to be Sauron the Betrayer. In this she clearly showed a judgement of character which a good Speaker needs.

Of course, Elves care little for the transient affairs of Men, and so she might take some convincing before taking on the role. This could also turn out to be an advantage, since the Speaker should be painstakingly neutral in politics.

- – -

2. Joanna Lumley

This former New Avenger recently proved herself more than capable of keeping MPs on the straight and when she took on the Government over the Ghurkas and won. Ms Lumley would be an excellent and incorruptible speaker and, whilst she might rule with an iron fist, would command the House’s allegiance, trust and respect.

Plus, if you wronged her, Purdey can kill you with just her big toe – and all her best friends are Ghurkas

- – -

1. The Queen

I dare anyone to argue that Her Majesty would be anything other than a fantastic Speaker.

Gawd bless ‘er.

- – -

So, that’s my list. I’m not going to tag anyone because I’m not evil, but you can, of course, see more fantasy speakers by searching Twitter for #fantasyspeaker or indeed write your own list, if you like.