Sharpe's Opinion

Charlotte started it. Jennie Rigg and Martin continued it. I figured I might as well throw in some suggestions for some people who would indeed be better PMs than Gordon Brown, even if they just turned up and did absolutely nothing. So let’s get started:

10. Prince Harry

A controversial choice to begin with, perhaps. However, since it is parliamentary democracy that has delivered Gordon Brown to us, parliamentary democracy must have failed. It’s time to go back to the age where a hereditary monarch is in charge. Of course, Charles and William are both already destined to become heads of state, so poor Harry will be left with nothing if he doesn’t become PM.

So, Prince Harry for PM – all he’d have to do is turn up and look dashing.

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9. The Pub Landlord

Keeper of the ancient craft of the publican, the noble Pub Landlord has more sense in his little finger than Gordon Brown has in his overstuffed Cabinet.

Under the kind and gentle leadership of this fine upstanding example of Great British Common Sense, there’d be no more wine bars that pretend to be pubs, no more Graduate Trainees pretending they know how to pull a pint, no more Australian rubbish in place of a lovely pint of sensible British beer.

All hail the ale! (or a glass of white wine or fruit-based drink for the ladies)

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8. Spinal Tap

Spinal Tap has a number of experiences in common with our beleaguered Prime Minister – getting lost backstage on their way to an important engagement, important members of their team spontaneously combusting in a blaze of uncertain glory (In Spinal Tap’s case it was of course a drummer, in Brown’s it was a Special Advisor with a woeful internet strategy). They’ve also received a number of bad reviews – Spinal Tap’s album was given the two-word review ‘shit sandwich’, while 51,366 people have told Brown ‘Resign‘.

Spinal Tap, however, know how to take things up to 11. When the others need more ‘oomph’, Spinal Tap can give it to them. Because of this, any one of them would make a better PM than Gordon Brown.

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7. An Office Chair

Let’s be honest, in order to improve the way Number 10 is run, Mr Brown needn’t look too far – he could simply get up, walk out, and leave his office chair to make all the important decisions.

It’s not like it could make things worse.

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6. Tigger

The wonderful thing about Tiggers, they say, is that Tiggers are wonderful things. With his bubbly personality, his can-do attitude, and the manner in which he inspires others to enjoy their lives, Tigger would be an improvement on Brown in at least three significant ways.

Tigger also inspires genuine loyalty amongst those around him – not the pretence of loyalty from ‘friends’ who in reality wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire. If a man is judged by the company he keeps, Tigger is a fine example of an upstanding gent, even with those teensy weensy eyes and those ricky-dicourous striped pyjamas.

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5. Jimmy Carr

The master of the quip, the president of puns, Jimmy Carr at Prime Ministers Questions would have the whole nation watching religiously, solving the issue of voter apathy in weeks.

Plus, he has the biggest face on Television. Literally, the biggest face.

Look at it. It’s huge. It’s like the moon.

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4. Stuart Sharpe

The newly-anointed 313th most influential blogger in the United Kingdom is so stunningly lazy that he’ll often have a beard for weeks at a time simply because he couldn’t be bothered to shave. However, he at least cares more about the country than he does about pathetic party-political point scoring, and so for this reason alone, he would make a better Prime Minister than Gordon Brown, just by showing up and delegating all responsibility for major policy decisions to whoever happens to be following him on Twitter.

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3. Emperor Palpatine

Fear will keep the local councils in line. Fear of this Prime Minister. The Dark Lord of the Sith may be purest evil incarnate, corrupting everything he touches, but at least he wouldn’t be a figure of international ridicule. Oh no. He’d see to that.

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2. The Penguins of Central Park Zoo

Organisation. Efficiency. Resourcefulness. Tenacity. Teamwork. The ability to think strategically, and plan for any eventuality. All of these are Prime Ministerial qualities which our Prime Minister lacks, and these penguins have in spades. These penguins would have this country ship-shape in no time, and any who get in their way would be subject to Rico’s kung fu chop.

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1. A Tub of Lard

I’m not sure this needs any further justification. We all know it’s true.