Gordon Brown has written a letter to those who tweeted using the hashtag #welovetheNHS. Unfortunately, he seems to have written it in Spinglish, the natural tongue of the modern politician. I have searched far and wide for a ‘rhetoric’ option on Google Translate, but unfortunately I have come up with nothing as yet. It’s back to the old fashioned manual translation methods, I’m afraid – but don’t worry, I can occasionally be quite the polyglot, and alongside fluency in Jive, Pirate and LOLspeak, I can manage a reasonably passable written Spinglish.

So, without further ado, let’s get translating!

All,

Voters,

I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have supported the #welovethenhs campaign.

I’d like to try and take credit for an entirely spontaneous internet phenomenon, begun by a comedy writer. I think the best way to do that is to write a letter to those who joined in, and hope no one notices that I had absolutely nothing to do with this so-called ‘campaign’.

I have been profoundly moved by the enormous groundswell of support for the NHS in the last few days.

I want you to know that every time you write ‘#welovethenhs’ on Twitter I take it as a personal compliment and an endorsement of my governance of this country. I deserve your praise, your thanks, and your love. Vote for me. Please?

A genuinely National Health Service – introduced by a Labour government in the teeth of opposition from the Conservatives and the medical establishment – is one of our nation’s finest achievements.

I’d also like to take credit for the actions of the post-war socialist Labour party that I sought to distance myself from ideologically in the 90’s.

Also, I realise most of you would say ‘in the face of’, but teeth just sound scarier, don’t they. Big, gnashing teeth.

So it is understandable that the Conservative leadership have tried to distance themselves from those in Tory ranks who criticise the NHS. But the reason why their comments have generated so much anger is that they spoke to a larger truth.

My grammatical ‘error’ here makes it sound like the second sentence is referring to the Conservative leadership I mentioned in the first sentence, rather than the Tory ranks. I’ve now put the idea into your head that David Cameron personally has said something which ‘generated anger’, without even mentioning him by name. I can be subtle like that.

That truth is that there are two Tory faces on the NHS. Behind all the recent talk of commitment, the party has not truly been reformed. Despite all their talk of reform, the Conservatives still put special interests before patients’ interests.

The Conservative Party have just given me a huge open goal, and I’m trying hard to get the ball into the net. If you hadn’t guessed, I think they’re untrustworthy – and you can trust me on that.

The Conservatives say they are committed to the NHS but they would scrap our guarantees for patients – including the guarantee to see a specialist within 2 weeks if your GP suspects you may have cancer.

The Conservatives say they are committed to the NHS but they would scrap our agreement with the GPs that means nearly three quarters of practices now offer extended opening hours.

The Conservatives say they are committed to the NHS but they would let hospitals mortgage their own assets – even though they admit this brings the risk of financial failure.

Your choice is between backing every one of Labour’s health policies, or not being committed to the NHS. You are either with us or against us. You cannot be committed to the principal of National Healthcare without agreeing with every facet of Labour’s implementation of it. That’s a fact. Also: Vote for me. Please?

I will not stand by and see the NHS and its brilliant staff denigrated and undermined, whether that’s by the right wing in the United States or by their friends in the British Conservative Party.

Every word spoken against Labour’s management of the NHS is a personal insult to its front line staff, even those staff who complain about poor management on a daily basis, and often have to work hard to overcome bureaucratic obstacles. I’m sure you’ll believe me that every NHS staff member agrees with the Labour Party on healthcare. Every. Single. One.

This is not just a debate for this week. It is central to everything we believe in and care about. And I am determined to take the fight to the Tories, not just today, but in the weeks and months ahead.

Vote for me. Please?

Thank you for backing our NHS.

Whether ‘our’ refers to the Labour Party or to the people of the UK is left, as they say, as an exercise for the reader.

Gordon Brown